Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
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