I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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