I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
