I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
