The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
there was a trapeze. enough said
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
