My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Randomize
