I looked at my own cervix.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
