oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
