We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
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