i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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