I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Randomize
