Betty ford says i'm here all night
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
