Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
being pregnant is like rehab
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
We have so much sex to catch up on
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
