I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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