I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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