im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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