my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
