shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
