Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
