i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
