oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
