Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
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