No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
