Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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