I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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