Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
