with your own penis?
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
