Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
