I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
