The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
