i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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