my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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