I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
