Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Alive.
So much puke
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
