I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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