I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
