hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
