cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I think your dad took our porno
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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