last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
