She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
