Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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