I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
