he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
