FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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