the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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