so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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