God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
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