1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
