I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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