it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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