On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I need water and some morals
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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