I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
They took my balls.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
