i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
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