Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
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