Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
