I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
